back it up, back it up....

I think a bit more background information about me and my “journey” is in order.
I’ve worked in healthcare for more than a decade, in various settings and many locations in the US. I settled on my field as a way to help people, but also be a problem-solver, educator, learner, and explorer. I entered my studies and professional work with the hope of being excited and deeply fulfilled (much of the time anyway). I enjoyed the educational part, the challenges of learning and expanding, the relationships with my classmates. However, much to my chagrin and shame, I felt neither fulfilled nor particularly rewarded with the actual work. But by now, I had significant student loan debt and only saw one viable option– to continue in my profession. So I did, with the vague plan to explore other interests or possibilities and hoping to transition to “something else”.
Unfortunately, I didn’t account for the energetic exhaustion or anxiety/depression that engulfed me. My energy, my imagination, my openness and receptivity seemed to escape and elude me. I was stuck. Very stuck. That stagnation pervaded the other aspects of my life. I spent years looking for “my town” and “my tribe” when I should’ve been looking for ME.
Funny thing is, I thought I knew ME. In a way, I did. There was a large part of ME that I had been avoiding and shutting up for years. I had stopped listening to her and connecting with her because I was listening to my FEAR. Fear is like negativity-- loud, attention-getting, and easy to identify with (to put it mildly).
So over the past few years, I’ve been slowly teasing apart my fear(s) from the various MEs and parts of ME. The process is tightly tangled, painful, and painstaking. Lately I can feel the knots starting to loosen, the tightness beginning to ease, and the stirrings of satisfaction as I notice the changes.
(more next time as it involves going further back into my history.)
and so it continues…….


food for thought:
“The Power of Now”, Eckhart Tolle
“Finding Your Way in a Wild New World”, Martha Beck